Hello, dragon nerds. I think it's time for a bit of a life update [
because I'm so interesting]. Right now, in this moment, I am eating cherries and drinking chocolate milk. The best combination ever. But might I interest you in some humble time travel? Nothing too elaborate. It's likely you've seen better. I'm not the Doctor [sadly], but that doesn't mean we're excluded from the fun.
1) We'll just dash back to April.
Here one of the many planned trips that I've been looking forward to since last year actually happened! I've had a lot of trips fall through this and last year. Lots of disappointment. But this one held true! My friend came over. We watched The Mentalist. Hung out with her extraordinary grandmother. And saw HAMLET at my favorite Shakespeare playhouse! It was phenomenal. Unspeakably so.
2) We'll hang around April because around this time, I made a bad decision.
I got a job.
Getting a job wasn't bad, but I settled for less. I hate settling for less. But I felt pressured by expectations [general and my own false ones], so I applied for a job where I had the sinking certainty that they would hire me and the haunting feeling that wasn't worth it.
It wasn't.
3) Let's jump ahead about two months or so, shall we?
I quit that stupid job. It was a learning experience, one I hope I never put myself through again.
4) Hold onto your hats because we're blasting back to January!
My friend and I were sitting in the front seat of my car. Talking and procrastinating. I was nerding out big time because I had put in an internship application to an editing company that I really admire. It was my dream job, and if it didn't become a job, the people were people I wanted to be trained by.
5) Let's come back a few months later where you'll find me mentally freaking out because I got an interview for the internship.
6) Set the machine for today.
I am interning with them! I am super excited and learning so much! They're currently changing the website around, but once everything's running again, I'll give you a link so you can check them out.
We're going to shift the time machine into a setting I like call "the little stuff." It's those things that just happen every day and you can't pinpoint exactly when.
7) My sister and I have been watching anime and hanging out together. We have a lot of fun, and it's one of the best parts of being with my family right now. [And to brag on my sister because I can, she sewed a super cute sweater for herself. By hand! She also cuts her own hair and dyes it and can do basically everything. She tells me that all she does is watch anime, play bass, and be lazy in her room. But I think she's actually a superhero . . .]
8) V E Schwab liked one of my instagram posts, and I nearly dead.
[this is my photo CrEaTiOn!]
9) I finally, FINALLY, finished Golden Son by Pierce Brown. And wow. Wow. I loved Red Rising. But Golden Son sky-rocketed beyond rating.
10) Yes, yes I just told you guys about
Zuezak that I wrote last year. But I'm currently editing Oddball the First. I want to hand it out to beta readers soon. I'll post more details on it later.
11) I've been watching Twin Peaks recently, and I've nearly finished. I adore everything about it! From the eccentric characters, to the small town 90s vibes, to the mix of different genre tropes. Guys, it's great [although the second season must've died of plague and been only half resurrected in production?]. If you've seen it and you have any recommendations that are similar in feel or character, let me know [especially if it's a book rec]!
12) I saw Monty Python and the Holy Grail for the first time the other day. That's the kind of comedy and satire I adore! Why don't people make more movies like it? [ps--Monty Python and the Holy Grail's comedy and tone is similar to The Princess Bride's comedy and tone as a book, not the film, the book The Princess Bride, please read it].
You might want to hold onto something because this could feel funny at first. I'm shifting the time machine into neutral, so it can find its own way to the place where time and space are metaphysical and the tangible blurs into thought.
I do want to be positive because I sometimes forget the good things. But I also want to be real with you guys too. I'm trying super hard to not get discouraged with my current financial and living situations. It could be worse, so much worse. I go through a lot of ups and downs, but I try to keep going no matter what. Keep writing. Keep reading. Keep learning. Keep worshiping God. Keep taking all the doubt and worry to Him.
And while that's good, I'm very close to going into Robot Mode [so named by myself]. It tends to happen when my situation isn't what I want to it to be. It could be a job I hate, or the place that I live, or the hopeless feeling that what's going on now will never change; I'll always be stuck in this one place, one position, with no room for growth or new things, forever and ever [dramatic much?].
When this happens, I unconsciously resign myself to my situation. I do the things that I'm supposed to do. I go to the job. I keep living where I am. I do my ordinary life things. When Robot Mode gets engaged, everything looks normal. But I don't care about anything. Things seem pointless. I lose hope that the future will improve. I don't try new things. I don't try to change anything. I take zero risks. I don't grow. I'm apathetic.
Robot Mode keeps me from experiencing the everyday things. Because the everyday things do matter. [Often times, they matter the most.] It destroys my love for life. It can also destroy my self confidence. And when I can change my situation, it'll make me complacent with surviving instead of fighting for what I want to do. My outlook on my future turns apathetic. I have a poor sense of self worth and distorted view of who I am. The only thing Robot Mode creates is stagnation.
People can't see this from the outside [although a few might]. I'm good at masking it. I don't do it on purpose, but I'm usually not fully aware of my own emotional state. But I am trying to do better at being more cognizant of where my emotions are. Because, yeah, I can survive in Robot Mode, but I know it isn't healthy.
And I want to have fun. I want to enjoy life. I want to improve. And I want to look forward to things. So I try to change things up a bit. I try to read different things, learn something new. I try to go some place at least once a week, usually a coffee shop or bookstore to write. I've gone to a few small parks. But I really want to do new things too like hiking, rock climbing, swing dancing. And that's where I've realized another problem.
I have no friends here. I've never been good at engaging people, and now I seem worse at it. Since living here very dependently, not having a job, and having no one really to talk with, I'm beginning to realize how all that is affecting my self confidence. These seem like little things, but it's becoming harder to go out and do stuff, even stuff I'm familiar with. And while I want to do something, I'm afraid that it'll back fire on me for completely irrational reasons. That for one imagined scenario or another, I can't do it.
I had more self-confidence before I moved, and I realize this confidence developed mostly from my friends. I didn't doubt myself because they didn't doubt me. They think that I am a capable independent person. When we're out doing things, my friends usually do all the talking, but I'm the morale support. I'm the one who calls out the lies that feed their self-doubt and tell them the truth of how capable they are, how strong they are, how beautiful they are. I know what's real. I know what's imagined. I know what's healthy. I give them room to figure it out on their own with some encouragement. I'm the one who believes in them. I'm the driver. When we go on big road trips to large cities, I'm the one who knows where we're going, what we're going to do, how to push through traffic and keep everyone together and from getting lost. They can do things that I can't, and they look at me like I can do things that they can't.
I've, unintentionally, relied on other people to give me confidence. I didn't know that I am a capable independent person to the extent that I am until my friends showed me merely by believing in me. I am that person because I'm that person for them, because they're my friends. Now I need to be that person for me. And it's hard. My friends are encouraging when I try to express that self-doubt to them. They recognize what's going on [better than me] and send me long series of text messages. I'm still struggling against my and others' perceptions, but I'm working on it. I can do things because God can do things [anything, if we elaborate], and He's the one who makes me capable.
I did manage to attend a new church alone this past Sunday. And I didn't die. And I actually really liked it. That's a small victory, I guess.
So yeah. I'm learning. We'll see where it takes me.
How fares your week?
