Thursday, March 14, 2019

the post that didn't happen | here's what is happening


Every time I say I'm back, I disappear again. It's the only reliable thing about me now. Apparently, "I'm back" are the magic words to make something disappear? So let's try something new.

I'm not back. I don't have time to commit to blogging now. So there probably won't be a post tomorrow or next week. And certainly no post for today. This is not a post, guys, because I'm definitely not back.


Well, I have a lot to tell you all, both bookish and non-bookish. Prepare yourself for too much text.

1) I've moved. I'm going to be honest with you guys because I'm not into masks and facades around here; I was living with some people, and it was a negative and stifling environment for me. It wasn't bad while I was attending college [the whole reason I was there], but after I graduated, it came to the point that I became anxious about every little thing I did when at home. That, of course, is partially my own fault because my anxiety did inflate some things out of proportion [as anxiety does].

The eyes

2) I tried devising ways to live on my own which is what I really want to do. I've wanted a place of my own [even if with roommates] since basically graduating high school. Unfortunately, I believed the lie that I couldn't have that for a long time which only delayed me in realistically striving toward having my own place. I wasn't earning enough at my work place, and none of the jobs in the area I lived was going to pay more. Also, my friends aren't in a position at the moment to share an apartment either. 

My last option was to move back with my parents. I'd toyed with the idea but never seriously. I'd always dismissed it because it felt like a step back. Also, I hate being that stereotypical millennium moving back with their parents and living in the basement. I don't want to be that. I want to be better. But I was desperate to get out of the situation I was in. 

Moving in with my parents has other pros. They live near a larger city where I could get a higher paying job so that I could actually move out on my own. A jobs in my field are more available. Also, my parents are supportive of the idea of my being a freelance editor [one of my main career goals outside of being a published fiction author]. They're experienced entrepreneurs and are very encouraging. Also, where they live now has more outdoor activities available. That probably seems like a small thing, but I love hiking and trees. I feel like I've been dying in an ugly city with small trees caged on sidewalks.

3) So guess it, I moved back with my parents, but I also did it within a month of making that decision. Not the smartest of choices. I could've waited to find a job, but I didn't which is unusual. I never make big decisions quickly like this. I could take a year before I decided to make something like this a real goal. So I had a lot of doubts because of how quickly everything moved, but despite those doubts, God has given me a lot of peace [which doesn't make much sense, but I'm glad for it]. All my friends have been supportive. One of my friends was basically like, "Yeah, that'll be way better for you. Duh. Why didn't you think of this sooner?"

Didn't think the word 'doofus' could be terrifying, did you?
her newest and most frequent nickame for me

While I explained the situation to another friend, she asked me if moving in with my parents would be a viable option before I mentioned I was considering just that. That's really encouraged me a lot. I know what *other* people think I should do or should want, etc. But what's right for one person isn't always right for everyone. I've been trying to do better about doing and learning what's best for me, but sometimes, it feels like I'm defying everyone around me as they tell me that only they know what's best as they try to obligate me to do whatever they want. It's very frustrating. So it's reaffirming and helpful when my friends deny my doubts and the lies I've been told without my expecting that they will.

I'm confident that this is where I need to be, but I'm also in my parents' basement with no job other than a very small freelance editing job that I've been hired for. So I'm trying to keep my hopes up.

4) So this is the part of the show where I talk about God. If you don't want to hear that, well, just skip #4, so sorry. Except that I'm not. I don't talk too much about God around here for reasons I'll not discuss now. But He's a big part of my life, so I'm going to talk about Him. My biggest fear of moving was that I would get stuck again. I cannot stand being trapped especially since I've realized that I'm very susceptible to accepting that I have to just make do in a place that I'm trapped in. That's a dangerous and unhealthy attitude to take up. You can't grow when you're trapped. And it seems like I just ping pong from being trapped in one place to getting trapped in another.

Despite being trapped and strangled where I was, I had too many unanswerable questions. Would it actually be an improvement? Did I need to wait until another opportunity came? That's the other thing. I feel like I'm always waiting. I had been taught to wait, wait, wait; that waiting was the answer [and, yes, sometimes God puts us through periods of waiting]. The reality is that most of the time waiting is my fault. God is actually waiting on me. He's either waiting on me to get something through my thick skull, or He's waiting on me to take the initiative and do something to change the situation. To do something that He can do more with. To just trust Him. So yeah, this is some kind of step of faith. 

when you're supposed to be writing and working and doing deep thought things but instead. . .

God has been telling me that while I'm here to not focus on the now. And I don't mean like the good things of now. I mean, I don't need to get bogged down in what my situation is like now. I shouldn't wait around. I need to be in the mindset that I'm still in motion. I'm not staying here, so don't get settled. I will not get stuck because this is only a checkpoint. I need to have a transient mindset. And really, in the huge picture of it all, yeah, I should adopt a transient spiritual mindset also. I need to think forward and focus on the future.

So I'm trying. I'm really trying.

5) Now, onto less heavy topics, I have finally finished the first draft of a novel I started since last summer. It's my first stand-alone, and it's totally different from any other project I've taken on so far. It needs so much work for the editing phase, so I'm glad that I've finally finished the first draft so I can start editing in a month or two. I'll try to get a post up soon about it.

6) I'm not back. This is not a post.


7) On to the things I've been watching! About 98% of what I watch is Criminal Minds. Also, I took my first step into anime. My sister introduced me to Fairy Tail, so I've been watching that with her. One of my friends loves Bones and got me the first three seasons before I left. So I just started that yesterday.  

For books, I started Game of Thrones. The world and plot are done well, but I don't really like many characters? I like Dany and the Stark kids [with the exception of Sansa, she doesn't exist to me]. I mostly read it for the plot. I'm still reading Golden Son. It truly is one of my favorites which is hard to believe since I take my sweet time reading it. But I don't want it to end? What if someone I like dies? Nevertheless, the writing is genius. The political commentary is amazing. The characters are phenomenal. The plot. Everything. I can't even fangirl properly. 

Recently, I binge read this digital comic strip called Lore Olympus until I caught up to the current episodes [and right now the creator's on hiatus! sos, em, I mean, ssp: someone send pizza]. If you've not heard of it, it's a Hades and Persephone retelling interwoven with other Greek lore. The plot's a little different than what I usually read, but I love it so far [and am upset about certain things!]. Also, the art is great. Read it for the art, man [and you'll fall in love with the rest, hehe]!

8) For my upcoming writing plans, I intend to dive back into editing Oddball [the First]. It'll feel weird because it's been so long since I've been in Oddball's world, but I'm also really looking forward to it. My time at university squelched my writing soul. Oddball has been hiding in the closet, sulking and pretending like he doesn't care how much I've neglected him. But, no longer!

Look!!! It's my savour!!! NOT!! Hahaha I do love my Loki Jesus is my savior
[*ahem* Oddball is not amused]

10) In less significant news, I watched the 1991 Addams Family film the other day. And now I want to write something in a similar world or with similar characters. Something Addams-Family-and-Neil-Gaiman-ish [I've been listening to his interviews and such on youtube lately]. It probably won't happen any time soon, but I'm gathering ideas. 

What's new with you guys? Anything exciting happen to you recently? Any cool new books, shows, or music? 

ps--not back

du-du-du-du-da-da-dum-dum … Sherlock Series 3 Bloopers

Friday, March 1, 2019

yet another mood

moving, shifting, turning / what's going on / what's happening / too much change at once / little tedious tasks / make a list / what to tackle first / trying to be productive / unreasonably miffed 


Some of my favourites hahahaha . . . Credit to owners . #loki #lokilaufeyson #lokiodinson #lokiofasgard #lokisarmy #godofmischief #lokilives #lokimemes #thor #thorragnarok #godofthunder #marvelmemes #marvel #mcu #peterparker #spiderman #spidey #infinitywar #avengersinfinitywar #avengers #odin #frigga #tomhiddleston #kongskullisland #jamesconrad

The eyes

a sore spot / a headache / pain in your walk / where are you going / what are you doing / why aren't you normal / why aren't you responsible / drinking chocolate milk / like a child / what is wrong / what's so hard / why can't you do more

in a teapot

never grow up

Everything is a jumbled mess at the moment, annoyingly. For a few brief days my mind allowed itself to actually think logically, (of course it was still freaking out, but I was managing to get stuf…

step away / take a shower / do your hair / toss the trashy thoughts aside / what a week / a long, long week / you have been doing things / you have been working / the world upside / and you keep going / what do you mean you're not productive / what do you mean you're not responsible / look at what you've done / this week / and last 

Mondaze #swenyosays

all the time

Andreas Heumann

life is in uproar / why are you hard on yourself / do you really want to be normal


10 Tips de fotografía para que consigas más de 100 hearts

A Wild Vortex of Books Flying Right at You. Wolfman's Books, Oakland

breathe  / read a book / how long has it been / books lay in neglect / that's the real crime / open a book / down the rabbit hole of another world / be someone else / be somewhere else / just today

Sunday, January 27, 2019

2019 tbr // ok, at least some of it

I have never made a yearly reading goals before, but my tbr always had to contend with required reading for college classes. Now that's over with, I figured a few goals wouldn't be a bad idea. And why not show them in a video so that you could see all the amazing covers?

About the video, I can't figure out how to chop off the opening and ending properly. And I'm mostly a ghost. [I'd claim to be an EO except that I don't have a superpower, so maybe Sydney resurrected me?? I'm still a little confused and dazed from it all . . . we'll see.] But I hope you enjoy my inglorious reading goals.

Why do I keep shoving books in your face? Why do I keep smelling books like some freak from another planet?

What books are on your list to read this year? Anything you keep putting off? Any rereads? New releases?