Late Book Haul | video post

Hi, dragon nerds. I attended Realm Makers and then was out of town immediately after. This is my first week back [now coming to its end], and I've been basically been sleeping late or early or during midday.

I thought I'd bring you a book haul video, another one that I should've uploaded months ago [oops]. I have a few other videos that need editing, and even more video ideas at the moment [maybe I should write those down].

Sorry I'm not as animated in this one. I was tired. 

Enjoy!

If you need me, I'll probably be asleep.

What have you been reading lately? Have you made any recent book purchases that you're stoked about?

All Abroad the Time Machine | Life Update

Hello, dragon nerds. I think it's time for a bit of a life update [because I'm so interesting]. Right now, in this moment, I am eating cherries and drinking chocolate milk. The best combination ever. But might I interest you in some humble time travel? Nothing too elaborate. It's likely you've seen better. I'm not the Doctor [sadly], but that doesn't mean we're excluded from the fun.

1)  We'll just dash back to April. 

Here one of the many planned trips that I've been looking forward to since last year actually happened! I've had a lot of trips fall through this and last year. Lots of disappointment. But this one held true! My friend came over. We watched The Mentalist. Hung out with her extraordinary grandmother. And saw HAMLET at my favorite Shakespeare playhouse! It was phenomenal. Unspeakably so.

2) We'll hang around April because around this time, I made a bad decision.

I got a job.

Getting a job wasn't bad, but I settled for less. I hate settling for less. But I felt pressured by expectations [general and my own false ones], so I applied for a job where I had the sinking certainty that they would hire me and the haunting feeling that wasn't worth it.

It wasn't.

3) Let's jump ahead about two months or so, shall we? 

I quit that stupid job. It was a learning experience, one I hope I never put myself through again.

4) Hold onto your hats because we're blasting back to January!

My friend and I were sitting in the front seat of my car. Talking and procrastinating. I was nerding out big time because I had put in an internship application to an editing company that I really admire. It was my dream job, and if it didn't become a job, the people were people I wanted to be trained by.

5) Let's come back a few months later where you'll find me mentally freaking out because I got an interview for the internship.

6) Set the machine for today.

I am interning with them! I am super excited and learning so much! They're currently changing the website around, but once everything's running again, I'll give you a link so you can check them out.

We're going to shift the time machine into a setting I like call "the little stuff." It's those things that just happen every day and you can't pinpoint exactly when.

7) My sister and I have been watching anime and hanging out together. We have a lot of fun, and it's one of the best parts of being with my family right now. [And to brag on my sister because I can, she sewed a super cute sweater for herself. By hand! She also cuts her own hair and dyes it and can do basically everything. She tells me that all she does is watch anime, play bass, and be lazy in her room. But I think she's actually a superhero . . .]

8) V E Schwab liked one of my instagram posts, and I nearly dead. 

[this is my photo CrEaTiOn!]

9) I finally, FINALLY, finished Golden Son by Pierce Brown. And wow. Wow. I loved Red Rising.  But Golden Son sky-rocketed beyond rating.

10) Yes, yes I just told you guys about Zuezak that I wrote last year. But I'm currently editing Oddball the First. I want to hand it out to beta readers soon. I'll post more details on it later. 

11) I've been watching Twin Peaks recently, and I've nearly finished. I adore everything about it! From the eccentric characters, to the small town 90s vibes, to the mix of different genre tropes. Guys, it's great [although the second season must've died of plague and been only half resurrected in production?]. If you've seen it and you have any recommendations that are similar in feel or character, let me know [especially if it's a book rec]!

12) I saw Monty Python and the Holy Grail for the first time the other day. That's the kind of comedy and satire I adore! Why don't people make more movies like it? [ps--Monty Python and the Holy Grail's comedy and tone is similar to The Princess Bride's comedy and tone as a book, not the film, the book The Princess Bride, please read it].

You might want to hold onto something because this could feel funny at first. I'm shifting the time machine into neutral, so it can find its own way to the place where time and space are metaphysical and the tangible blurs into thought.

I do want to be positive because I sometimes forget the good things. But I also want to be real with you guys too. I'm trying super hard to not get discouraged with my current financial and living situations. It could be worse, so much worse. I go through a lot of ups and downs, but I try to keep going no matter what. Keep writing. Keep reading. Keep learning. Keep worshiping God. Keep taking all the doubt and worry to Him.

And while that's good, I'm very close to going into Robot Mode [so named by myself]. It tends to happen when my situation isn't what I want to it to be. It could be a job I hate, or the place that I live, or the hopeless feeling that what's going on now will never change; I'll always be stuck in this one place, one position, with no room for growth or new things, forever and ever [dramatic much?].

When this happens, I unconsciously resign myself to my situation. I do the things that I'm supposed to do. I go to the job. I keep living where I am. I do my ordinary life things. When Robot Mode gets engaged, everything looks normal. But I don't care about anything. Things seem pointless. I lose hope that the future will improve. I don't try new things. I don't try to change anything. I take zero risks. I don't grow. I'm apathetic.

Robot Mode keeps me from experiencing the everyday things. Because the everyday things do matter. [Often times, they matter the most.] It destroys my love for life. It can also destroy my self confidence. And when I can change my situation, it'll make me complacent with surviving instead of fighting for what I want to do. My outlook on my future turns apathetic. I have a poor sense of self worth and distorted view of who I am. The only thing Robot Mode creates is stagnation.

People can't see this from the outside [although a few might]. I'm good at masking it. I don't do it on purpose, but I'm usually not fully aware of my own emotional state. But I am trying to do better at being more cognizant of where my emotions are. Because, yeah, I can survive in Robot Mode, but I know it isn't healthy. 

And I want to have fun. I want to enjoy life. I want to improve. And I want to look forward to things. So I try to change things up a bit. I try to read different things, learn something new. I try to go some place at least once a week, usually a coffee shop or bookstore to write. I've gone to a few small parks. But I really want to do new things too like hiking, rock climbing, swing dancing. And that's where I've realized another problem.

I have no friends here. I've never been good at engaging people, and now I seem worse at it. Since living here very dependently, not having a job, and having no one really to talk with, I'm beginning to realize how all that is affecting my self confidence. These seem like little things, but it's becoming harder to go out and do stuff, even stuff I'm familiar with. And while I want to do something, I'm afraid that it'll back fire on me for completely irrational reasons. That for one imagined scenario or another, I can't do it.

I had more self-confidence before I moved, and I realize this confidence developed mostly from my friends. I didn't doubt myself because they didn't doubt me. They think that I am a capable independent person. When we're out doing things, my friends usually do all the talking, but I'm the morale support. I'm the one who calls out the lies that feed their self-doubt and tell them the truth of how capable they are, how strong they are, how beautiful they are. I know what's real. I know what's imagined. I know what's healthy. I give them room to figure it out on their own with some encouragement. I'm the one who believes in them. I'm the driver. When we go on big road trips to large cities, I'm the one who knows where we're going, what we're going to do, how to push through traffic and keep everyone together and from getting lost. They can do things that I can't, and they look at me like I can do things that they can't.

I've, unintentionally, relied on other people to give me confidence. I didn't know that I am a capable independent person to the extent that I am until my friends showed me merely by believing in me. I am that person because I'm that person for them, because they're my friends. Now I need to be that person for me. And it's hard. My friends are encouraging when I try to express that self-doubt to them. They recognize what's going on [better than me] and send me long series of text messages. I'm still struggling against my and others' perceptions, but I'm working on it. I can do things because God can do things [anything, if we elaborate], and He's the one who makes me capable.

I did manage to attend a new church alone this past Sunday. And I didn't die. And I actually really liked it. That's a small victory, I guess.

So yeah. I'm learning. We'll see where it takes me.

How fares your week?

Zuezak // a new WIP

So I wrote a novel that isn't Oddball. I call it Zuezak. After the main character, because I'm incorrigibly original like that. So what is it about? 

I've been trying to boil that down for the last six months, and it's difficult. The story is very grounded in events that happened before the actual story starts because, you know . . . in medias res, dragon nerds. I think another problem is that I, apparently, didn't write what I had originally thought I wrote.

*deep breath for long origin story* 

I wrote this nice, neat 20k word story for an independent study during my last college semester. My professor and I were going to edit it. It was the shortest novel-ish length story I had ever written. I was so proud of myself for being brief.

On the first the day we met, my professor said, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you aren't finished writing this."

I responded [or so I think] with unsurprised confusion. Confusion because I had no idea where else the story would go. It was supposed to be a monster story. And all the monster things had happened and been resolved. Unsurprised because I am absolute rubbish at endings [and my writing professor is quite aware of that].

So I asked what she thought needed to be said or done. She was a little hesitant at first to explain because she didn't want to turn the story into something that I didn't want it to be. But I assured her I was open to ideas.

As she explained that I had opened character relationships, introduced certain threads of thought, and made certain promises [unwittingly, I assure you] without really sealing the whole deal at the end, I knew she was right. I wasn't really writing the monster story I thought had been. That brief 20k was not so nice or neat. She said it felt like the first half of a novel, maybe the first third. It was the very exploratory opening to something bigger.

She said that we could, of course, edit and revise it to be a monster story if that's what I really wanted. But she also said that what I did have was very interesting. She really liked it and would love to see where it would go if that's what I wanted.

And being the exploratory, very unbrief writer that I actually am, I  agreed to expand it. My professor helped me figure out a few of the relationships and threads I'd left untied [a large handful, honestly], and I took it home for a brainstorming week. After which I returned, agreed whole-heartedly that she was completely right, and wrote approximately 3k-6k words a week for a summer semester. I didn't finish it then, but I did later in the year.

All of that to unbriefly say, I never knew what this book was about, and I'm not sure if I do yet. But since I just read about one-sentence premises from a marginally helpful writing book, here it is:

In Deluth, a kingdom neither magically-inclined or scientifically-inclined, Zuezak searches for the cure to gargan bite before his half-brother, Prince Damon, turns into a gargan.

Clearly, there's a lot of things left unsaid, very plot essential things. So let's unpack it.

The Monsters

[the not as important part]

Gargans are aggressive reptiles that live in the capitol city of Deluth and only in the capitol of Deluth [the city doesn't have a name yet, oops]. For some reason, I unintentionally write stories with monsters that are specially secluded to one region [like the prackles in Oddball]. When I say gargan, envision a dragon without wings. Ta-da! You know what they look like! Originally they were dragons, until I placed them in the sewer, overthought the concept, and wondered why enormous flying creatures would willingly reside in a cramped, wet, underground tunnel.

[and now I wonder why we think dragons live in caves?]

What you really must know is that if you're bitten by a gargan, you turn into a gargan. [On a lesser note, if you're eaten by a gargan, you turn into lunch.]

The Relationships

[the more important part]

Zuezak is the queen's illegitimate son. His half brother, Damon, and he are very close and always have been. Their mother taught them to protect and look out for each other, especially since the king's temper tends to turn violent toward those closest to him. To everyone else, the queen claimed Zuezak was the son of one of her maids. 

When King Harbald learned the truth, he was furious despite his own many affairs. King Harbald sentenced her to the worst punishment in Deluth, the Pit [such an original name, I'm sure] wherein the accused is lowered into a pit of baby gargans merely to be bitten and then exiled in the city [ *ahem* this does nothing to reduce the gargan population]. 

He would've thrown Zuezak in right after her if Damon hadn't pleaded that he spare Zuezak. And thankfully, Harbald has a soft spot for Damon and Damon only.

So Zuezak has been living, a none-too-happy life, in the palace. He's set up a secret lab where he's been studying science independently, despite Deluth's lack of scientific knowledge. He's desperately been searching for a cure and obsesses over finding his Mum once his antidote is perfected.

This is a large strain on his and Damon's relationship. Damon knows their Mum can never come back. It's impossible. Of course, he's devastated that she's gone, but she's been gone for years. He's scared for his brother because Zuezak's been in denial for so long, and he doesn't want to see how heartbroken Zuezak'll be when he realizes what Damon's been trying to tell him. Even worse, Damon's afraid Zuezak might never give in and will waste his life trying to perfect his "antidote." He wants Zuezak to succeed in life, not be consumed with this impossible search.

And so our story begins with a gargan biting Damon, Damon running off, and Zuezak searching for him.

So here's a look at the cast.

The Characters

[the most important part]

King Harbald

Harbald is the type of king who likes to watch everyone preen and fight and flatter to get his approval. He approves of showmanship over truth and honesty. He's sly-tongued and clever and enjoys the the game of diplomacy. Even more so, he enjoys being the king of the game with a double edge. He has a nasty ego. He's not inclined to handing out free favors, but he might just to show you that he can. 

He wants unlimited power. His goal is to stand on top of the world and give it to his son. He doesn't have a care for anyone except Damon. As awful of a human as he is, as much as he uses everyone else like pawns, he actually loves Damon. In his own way. His relationship with Damon is probably the only interesting thing about him, I suppose. He sounds like a cliched super villain. I'm sorry. I am the worst at writing villains.

The Seeker

The real, but allegedly not real, helpful, but not that helpful wizard. I had an idea for who I wanted the Seeker to be, and he turned out completely different. I'm not even sure about this guy. Which I think is rather the point. We're all supposed to be uncertain about the Seeker. We don't even know his real name. 

He's surprisingly down-to-earth, but then he's not? He seems mysterious, but really, the man just has trust issues. He's not a good guy, but he's not a bad guy either. He's not on anyone's side. Choosing sides is too petty for him [and probably anxiety ridden]. He just does his own thing. Basically, he makes magic weed killer for a living and in his spare time saves the world from imminent doom. It sounds like he's pretentious, but he's just a magic nerd trying to mind his own business. More or less.

[after writing this, i realized that i am the Seeker . . . and i had dreaded the higher probability of being like Zuezak, not sure if this is better or worse]

Cassandra

I hesitate to add Cass in the character line up. She is important, but I don't know her as well as I should. When I start working on revisions, she'll be someone I prioritize. 

Cassandra is the daughter of a servant to the former queen. When they were children, she, Zuezak, and Damon often played together. She's the unexpected wild card.

Damon

I had difficulty getting Damon to be Damon on the page at first. I knew who he was, but he wasn't him when I wrote. When the story needed his point of view, I finally interviewed him. And he's everything I thought he is and so much more. He really surprised me. 

Damon is princely and personal. He enjoys being the center of attention, and he likes to have fun with a flair. More importantly, he loves people. He loves his kingdom in general yet is more interested in individuals. They fascinate him. He wants to have tea with every last one of his people. He likes to be the center of attention because he wants to give other people an enjoyable time. He likes to have fun with a flair because he likes to make people laugh. He wants to make a difference, and if he has to take the backseat to do it, he's there. He wants to take the harshness of reality seriously while still giving people hope and joy. He's well-meaning which is his strength and tragic flaw in one [because does it get him in trouble sometimes or does it get him in trouble]. 

To sum up, Damon's the cinnamon roll. He likes mythology. A well-planned outfit. Long walks in the cathedral. A perfectly selected library of ancient history. Long talks over tea. Everyone loves him. He loves everyone. He's vulnerable and invincible and basically your everyday hero. Except he's not the hero of this book.

Zuezak

 Zuezak is a combination of contradictions [or that's what I hope is conveyed]. He has two sides: a hard, bitter and driven side and a gentle, fragile and hopeful side. I don't want him to be "hard on the outside soft on the inside." He's both on both. The lines blur because when he's being truly himself, his true self is both. 

He's still grieving. He's counting on things he needs to let go. He's nervous and uncertain around people anywhere because of how Harbald has treated him. But he has a cunning tongue. His honesty is sharp and blunt; his sense of humor dark and mocking. His speech cadence is rough and plain like a street commoner with a dash of the intellect he doesn't always show. He's not nice, but he can be surprisingly, purposefully kind. He doesn't know how to relate to others and doesn't try to. Yet he wants to treat others rightly especially those who usually aren't treated so. He's oblivious yet observant. He acts evasive but knows what he's about. He doesn't want to deceive himself, but he's deceived himself about so much. He likes facts and science, but he's living a reality he's cultivated from false hope. The few times he's truly himself is when he's with his brother, Damon, because he's more comfortable around Damon. Even then, he's not openly vulnerable, but he is in hidden ways. His past has made him both bitter and gracious. 

He wears giant sweaters, talks to animals he pretends to not care about, hides in his lab, hates to be bothered and be a bother, can't stand to be watched, and let's Damon drag him into crazy escapades. He keeps his head down and tries to stay lowkey.

Milieu and Miscellaneous

[setting and food]

The world of the story mixes science and magic. It's full of huge buildings with Gothic architecture [which needs researching since I know nothing about architecture . . . my brain pronounces it as architechie -_-]. 

It also explores the poor sectors of the city and the people who live and trade there. It dives under the surface where monsters lurk in the sewers. The gargans surface to the city streets to hunt during the night or dark overcast days. Other times, they invade in larger numbers, and the gargan brigade struggles to keep them at bay for months before forcing them back.

There's also a lot of coffee and rendezvous over tea. A lot of lemon scones get consumed, and I realized that readers might start thinking Zuezak survives off lemmies. Oh, and eggs. He likes eggs too. So I think there's plum or cherry tarts somewhere? I can't remember. Not to worry! I'll enlarge the pastry selection in the revisions.

Even though it was supposed to be a monster story, it doesn't have as many monsters scenes as I had anticipated. The monsters only lie under the surface, literally and figuratively. It's a brother story with power struggles and politics sprinkled throughout. I don't usually write things this close to the king's court, but obviously, that was unavoidable in this book. I'm not sure how well it turned out, so perhaps I've made myself a nice little coffin. But for now, I love it. Hopefully, I can begin the editing process later this year, and you'll hear more of it.

What have you been writing or reading?