I'm sitting on my bed with a sore foot propped up. The house is silent. The lighting is dark. My room is a regular wreck. Clothes are draped everywhere. A suitcase lies open and unpacked from last weekend. Wadded tissues clutter the floor as do random shoes. Books are stacked without strategy in convenient and inconvenient places.
I want to be like, "Oh hi! I know exactly what to say. I have so much to tell you. What do you want to hear first?"
But really, I don't know what to say. I never seem to anymore. Creating blogposts is hard, harder than it used to be. And so much has happened since I posted regularly, I don't know what to say, what not to say, or just where to start and how.
Don't get excited. You'd think I'd have a little mercy and let this poor blog die, but nope. This isn't a farewell post [as I now realize that's what this is sounding like].
I do want to start blogging regularly again. I miss it. I miss you all. It's just time consuming among other things. . .
I want to start my own editing business. To be honest, it's got me locked into more fear than I anticipated. Before I started researching and taking steps toward actually owning a business, I was very nervous and scared. As I started though, a lot of that fear went away. I grew more confident. And, sorry not sorry to admit, my confidence in God and the fact that He would be with me every step of the way grew as well, and that's really where my own confidence came from.
But now I'm on the brink. I'm standing at the water's edge, and I have yet to get my toes wet. I'm scared again. All the fear has come back. What if I miss something? What if I can't turn out high quality work like I thought I could? What if the services I think I can provide aren't worth charging for? What if I mess up? What if I can't be organized, structured, and disciplined enough? What if I can't handle the financial and business aspect of it? What if I can't find enough work?
Entangled with all of that fear is this blog. What if my clients or potential clients read this blog? What if they judge how I function as an editor with this blog as their basis? This blog is just for fun. It's silly, not professional. I talk conversationally. I overuse certain words. I go over the content for typos and mistakes before I post, but I always miss something. Since it is just for fun, I don't ask for an outside opinion on a post before it's published, so I'm aware it's never going to be perfect. Many of my older posts are awful. Even ones that I've edited for months on end still contain mistakes.
This fear has paralyzed me for the past couple months. I'm not saying that to be dramatic. Inaction and stagnation are byproducts of fear, and that's where I've been the past couple of months. I've made excuses. I've procrastinated. I've ignored it. But it still exists. It's still the truth. I've let fear stop me for a long time. I'm trying to do something about it now.
Sorry for the mushy stuff. I honestly don't know what to blog about, so I went with what's on my mind. Expect later posts to have their normal, abnormal and weird tone.
On a completely unrelated note, I've been writing two stories, fairy tale retellings mixed with Norse mythology as Christmas gifts for my siblings. They're poorly polished and silly little stories under 5000 words. [They're also not half as heavy as this post.] If you'd be interested in reading them, send me an email.
Later!
What have you been up to lately? How are the holidays going?
